Marriage

Hi Everyone,

Today I get to celebrate 16 years of marriage with my husband. It gives me goosebumps just saying that number. As I sit down to write this blog post and realize how far Masood and I have come, I will first and foremost be forever grateful to Allah SWT.

Masood has been the biggest gift in my life. Incredibly grateful to Allah Almighty for having a companion in this life for 16 years and grateful I am for the life we have shared together.

He is what I needed in my life to complete half my deen. He is kind, funny, thoughtful, compassionate and the most supportive person I know. I feel lucky even though the irony is, his name means lucky. I seek his wisdom in all aspects of my life. I trust him wholeheartedly with my heart and for that, I feel lucky.

After asking many of my family, friends and followers what kind of content you would like to see on my blog, SO many of you requested ‘marriage advice’. Because of the multiple requests, I think it’s a topic that most couples can relate to.

It is often said that marriages are made in heaven. That is true but what is even more amazing is when a couple make heaven on earth with their marriage. All of us marry with love, excitement and an intention to “make it work”. However, we simply don’t know how to make it work or where we are going wrong, because of which we keep making the same old mistakes.

Today, we are celebrating our 16th anniversary. SIXTEEN YEARS. I can honestly say he is my person. ???????? ( All Praise to Allah )

He’s truly my soulmate, best friend, and generally my most favorite person in the world.

All marriages require consistent full-time work.

Similar to your faith, love entails constant devotion.

Since marriage is all about altruism and willingness to sacrifice for the sake of each other, it cannot thrive in a narcissistic milieu where everyone is concerned only about his or her own welfare or interests.

The interaction we have pretty much sums up our marriage — Opposites attract. I’m the dreamer. He’s the more practical one. It’s what makes us perfect for each other, and it’s also what can drive us absolutely bonkers between us if we let it 🙂

Yup. Was that not what you were expecting to hear? Did you see the pretty pictures on our blog and Instagram feed and think we had our act together? Perhaps you thought we had the perfect relationship and never fight?

WRONG. Pull up a chair and grab a cup of coffee, or tea, anything that floats your boat. And get ready because I’m about to talk about something I haven’t talked about on our blog before — OUR MARRIAGE.

I get plenty of DM’s or when I’m with my friends and colleagues asking me what is the secret to your marriage. I’m incredibly thankful and so honored for so many of you looking up to me and asking me for marriage advice.

To be honest and transparent, I have shared with you all so many personal aspects of my life in my blog and Instagram. From school to work, to parenting, and beyond. But I have never talked about marriage tips. And here is why….

Because we don’t have this figured out at all.  Just like I don’t have parenting figured out at all.  I’m not the perfect wife.  I’m not the perfect parent. I’m definitely not the perfect businesswoman.  In fact, I feel inadequate and flawed in all of the above areas. And my inadequacies as a wife, a mother, and a business owner are what make me feel unqualified to give any type of parenting or marriage or business advice whatsoever.

So many times I get “You and Masood are MashaaAllah so in love. Can you tell me how you keep the spark alive?”

AND

“Can you tell me how you do it — Started the Nasimi Designs, both going to school and work, content creator and blogging? Can you please give me advice?”

When I get questions like that I feel completely inadequate to answer them, because I know the behind the scenes. I know the day to day reality that we are living. The view isn’t perfect from where I’m sitting. I know about how hard starting any business is, going to school as the first generation in my family, working hard, the behind the scenes; the nitty-gritty; the not so pretty — so who am I to answer any marriage or parenting or business advice questions?

But then it finally dawned on me — Maybe it’s those very imperfections, and flaws, and struggles in my story that I am meant to share. Maybe it’s the imperfections themselves that can inspire, and give hope, and make people feel like they aren’t alone in their struggles. We live in a world of pretty pictures and social media news feeds and plenty of people sharing their highlight reels on repeat. It can feel lonely, being imperfect, in a world that celebrates beauty and success and accolades. But the truth is, we all have our struggles. We all have our imperfections.  And maybe, just maybe, part of this platform I’ve been given is to share my failures and struggles — the valleys and the dark places — just as much as it is to share the triumphs and successes and mountain tops.

“So what is our marriage advice?”

It really all really comes to down something which is best encapsulated to just two words:

Sabr (Patience) and Shukr (Appreciation)

Both of these are quintessential traits of Islamic character; there is no possibility of salvation without them, and there is no way to maintain one’s spiritual health without them; consequently, marriage cannot thrive in their absence.

Shukr is the appreciation for the blessings of God, while sabr is practicing patience in the face of the many challenges and trials one may face in life. Shukr involves our willingness to accept the fact that no matter how much we are lacking, we have much to be thankful for; sabr is the understanding that every test or trial has two sides, and provides an opportunity for us to grow and mature as spiritual beings, thus helping to bring us closer to God.

1. SHUKR : The Blessing Of Your Spouse

The Prophet ? said, “Whoever does not thank the people, does not thank Allah.” (Tirmidhi)

It is the greatest gift that you can give your marriage – practicing gratitude (shukr).

Allah Most High says: “If you are grateful, I will surely increase you.” (Qur’an, 14:7)

When you show gratitude towards your spouse, you are also thanking Allah Most High. It works in your benefit too. Showing gratitude helps you to focus on the pluses in your relationship and overlook the minuses. This shift in perspective inspires you to remember why your spouse is so special to you – that he/she is one of your biggest blessings. Gratitude changes your life for the better. You cannot lose by being grateful. It is a win-win solution. It causes transformation at all levels: your spiritual being, your emotional welfare, and your personal relationship with your husband.

The more you remember your spouse’s positives, the more attentive you will be to graciously receiving whatever he/she gives you.

Honestly, it is that simple. Be grateful for your spouse. Think of the moment when you said “I do/ Qabul He” and the excitement and bliss that followed those words. Don’t mistreat the blessing because of petty issues. Constant nagging and complaining never pays off. For some time, try to overlook, put yourself in others’ shoes with patience and eliminate these three things from your married life:

A. Criticism

B. Complain.

C. Blame

2. SABR : The Blessing Of Your Spouse

And be patient. Surely, Allah is with those who are patient.”  – (Qur’an, 8:46)

Sabr is endurance, forbearance, steadfastness, perseverance. Sabr is something we often ask Allah for, especially when we face hardships in life. We’re frequently reminded, in the Quran of the virtues and beauty of sabr.

The beauty of patience lies within enduring calamities whilst striving to normalise your life and carry on as if things are okay. To live life whilst being beautifully patient is a treasure. It’s a characteristic embodied by the Prophet Muhammad ? (peace be upon him) and his companions. It’s a characteristic that all the prophets had held very closely. Had it not been for their beautiful patience, they would never have been victorious. ‘How can patience be beautiful when the very essence of patience entails enduring tough times?’

Let’s start off with this fact. Sabr and beautiful patience does NOT mean suffering in silence. Enduring whilst failing to try and seek help for your situation is not what beautiful patience is. We often hear of people living in horrible circumstances being told to simply ‘have sabr and carry on’. To be patient and carry on asking Allah for a way out. And whilst we must never stop asking Allah for guidance, He (swt) has gifted us with the ability to act. I was once speaking to a sister who mentioned that she was enduring an abusive emotional marriage and seeking help from her community who in turn were telling her to “have sabr”. But I cannot stress how wrong and un-Islamic that is. No one should have to suffer in silence and we as fellow human beings should try our best to facilitate aid in any way shape or form to fellow brothers and sisters. There’s a beautiful Hadith narrated by Muslim whereby our beloved Prophet Mohammed ? told his people:

“Whosoever of you sees an evil, let him change it with his hand; and if he is not able to do so, then [let him change it] with his tongue; and if he is not able to do so, then with his heart — and that is the weakest of faith.”

“The believers, men and women, are Awliyaa’ (helpers, supporters, friends, protectors) of one another; they enjoin (on the people) Al?Ma‘roof ” [al-Tawbah 9:71]

So you see, no marriage is perfect. It’s progress, not perfection. We are all on this journey together. We need each other to get through this thing called Life.

This is what I want my children to read before they make the commitment to marry someone. This is what I want everyone to know before they say I do. I don’t want to have a marriage just to show on social media that it’s perfect. I have seen so many marriages that are so fake, they just do it for social media, and deep down the ultimate foundation of their marriage is broken when you hear the behind stories. Or people faking a perfect life to show off others and are in the burden of debts just living an illusion in this material temporary life what they call their Duniya and really don’t see the greater purpose.

If people really understood that this Duniya is only a temporary life and it is the Akhirat (Afterlife) that is the golden gate to Paradise, one would be really working on fixing their foundation. Your spouse will be your spouse in the afterlife.

I say this all the time: “Wouldn’t you want to have a relationship where you both understand each other, are happy in love, and are working together with real common goals and ultimately riding together till Jannah (Heaven)?

Once you really understand the meaning of life and the true meaning of having a partner, not just a partner to waste precious time in this Duniya with. Your other relationships, friends, colleagues, you name it, won’t be there with you by your side in Jannah. It will be your spouse. Have a partner that you know you will want to be even in the afterlife.

You both are living, breathing, evolving people. Your marriage will also evolve. Things may have to be constantly rethought and re-engineered.  The important thing is that you do it together through sabr and shukr. 

“May your vows and this marriage be blessed. May it be sweet milk, this marriage, sweet drink and halvah. May this marriage offer fruit and shade like the date palm. May this marriage be full of laughter, your every day a day in paradise. May this marriage be a sign of compassion, a seal of happiness here and hereafter. May this marriage have a fair face and a good name, an omen as welcome as the moon in a clear evening sky….

– Rumi (Kulliyat-i-Shams)

Today I wrote out my anniversary card to Masood and I put this quote in it. It’s my all-time favorite.

Ibn Katheer (may Allah have mercy on him) said:

“And of everything We have created pairs, that you may remember” All things are created in pairs: heaven and earth, night and day, sun and moon, land and sea, light and darkness, death and life, and male and female.

One day at the end of this Duniya (this life), I want to look back and hope to pray that we are role models to our children. That we weathered all of life’s storms together. That we are grateful to our marriage and was patient (sabr) even when life tried its darndest and threw everything it could at us to pull us apart.

What a beautiful day that will be. InshaaAllah. But then, sixteen years is feeling like a pretty amazing accomplishment these days as well.

Happy Anniversary Masood Ahmed.

From the moment you came to our old apartment 5F in 2004, I knew you would be my forever.

Riding ? together till Jannah InshaaAllah.

Happy 16 years.

With Love,

Nafeesa